I cried for the first time at my new job today.
I’m not here to complain. I’m not even going to tell you what happened. That would be disrespectful of the privacy of my coworkers and workplace. Not everyone wants their vulnerabilities proclaimed on the internet (weird, right?). Good thing I have no problem proclaiming my own.
My new job is still, undoubtedly, one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and easily the best thing to happen to me yet in 2018. It is a constant, beautiful learning experience, but today I learned how gentle and kind the people I work with really are. In the face of our vulnerabilities and anxieties, there is often the gentle kindness of those around us to be found. Jesus is there, in that, in all of it. As always, my loving God is the encouragement, the reason to learn and keep moving forward, to keep loving this life as it goes on.
I stress, repeatedly, the importance of emotions and vulnerability. As I now feel closer to those I work with, closer to myself, and more willing to trust myself and my abilities moving forward, I also stress the importance of crying when and how we need to cry. Even in that, there is love and God, in our connections with our deepest selves and the most lovely, loving people around us.
Back in December, I was told by several friends and family that I shouldn’t have this blog be the first thing that comes up when you google my name, as it can be read as a diary, and come across as unprofessional. It was argued that I wouldn’t be the first thing that potential employers would see. I was encouraged to write and review products and services on my blog, as potential business blogging examples for curious newcomers that may have found me through googling my name. But that would be inauthentic to who I am, and to the audience I am trying to reach with this website. I kept it as it was because in my heart of hearts, I believe that as a writer and LGBTQ+ activist, as an advocate for mental health, that we should embrace vulnerability and the beauty in it, wherever it emerges.
I am not a less professional person, less equipped to do precise, professional work, because of my anxiety, or because of my openness and my willingness to cry, both in person and online. If anything, when our vulnerabilities are exposed, wherever that be, we grow closer to both ourselves and those around us. This includes coworkers, friends, family, and absolutely anyone. Where vulnerabilities, anxieties, and insecurities are exposed, we know and connect with those around us, and experience the kindness of others, and gentleness with ourselves more fully. And that is where Christ is.
I am, overall, the happiest I have been in a very long time. When life is good, it turns out, life is very, very good. When living feels easy, when there are more good days than bad ones, and more great days than good ones, life is prayerful, light, and simple. It is everything I have ever wanted, and I know no part of it will change any time soon. This feeling is where my heart belongs, this city, and the friends and family in it, both old and new, is what my heart seeks.
One frustrating day will not change that. I breathe, pray, continue. I learn. I know. In my heart, I know this is where I am supposed to be. I continue openness, gentleness, kindness, joyfulness, in every step, prayer, and connection I make.
I feel what I feel. I am who I am. God knows my heart, my skills, my intentions. She guides me. I practice a livelihood which embraces vulnerabilities, finding Christ in all moments.
I’m looking into getting back into poetry and writing communities in Vancouver, as I used to do as a student in Kelowna. Maybe I’ll see you at one soon!